St. Peter has become my home & family in a way Trinity never did – maybe because as an adult I can participate fully and I see what is going on – but I have made a way to somehow belong there and although the little community of believers I trust and confide in is a little ragamuffin it is my support system.
I don’t want to leave. It’s not about getting entangled in the network it’s about something is going to break. Big.
It’s in the silence the break will occur.
The contemporary worship speaks of what we can do for God to the nth degree (a la dominionism) when in fact we can do nothing.
Times that I sneak into the sanctuary alone, in the dark to sing and just cry. The place has become Holiness Central. God has spoken – yelled – so many words into me there. So many things have been revealed. I can’t list them all. Layers of revelation and all building on each other. Not about the charismatic ride but my time with him and in corporate worship becoming one. (Take what you have learned in the throne room out into the street) The party is here and now. And not on some nebulous spirit level. It’s not in thinking about seminary or dreaming of being a pastor either. It is about my life in and love for that stupid church. It has become my family and my home despite all this. I KNOW without any doubt that God rests there. I don’t need a deep emotional moment with him backed by authentic music. He is there. He is always in that sanctuary, the same one I meet in my prayers.
And I do just want to jump up and tell people, God is here. Get serious. Cleanse your hearts. Prepare to receive. Don’t take this for granted. I say to myself, What do we have to do to make him real to other people – the answer is always the same – we need to make ourselves real to him.
I have waited for you so long O Lord
But I have been in the way
Thinking I’m the only one you speak to
Thinking I know what you’re going to say
All you want is to see me lose control
All you want is for me to let go of
The upper hand
And stop and wait and listen to you
So you can show me just what you can do.
I open my mind to your mercy Lord
And in the darkness I see
Your light, your whirlwind opening
the darkness, there you break free
My knowing has been in the way of your control
I surrender my mind to you Lord, I let go
Open my hands to your will
And my heart to rest in your ways
It’s you Lord, it’s you the cleansing flow
I feel your waves buoy me up now
Rocking with your tempo, warm in the touch
Of your cleansing love, forget myself
Been so long since I forgot myself in you
As if I were expected to construct this vessel.
But I know what chalice I am, lifted up
I see who I will be, what you want me to be
It’s not me doing the sacraments it’s what you will do through me
By faith Lord, you know I have nothing else to give.
Lord I want to leave it all behind and begin the climb
But you say Prepare yourself, take the equipment, provisions, a friend
You say Train your body and mind
It’s not as easy as you think
and I realize I can’t do this alone.
I have to let people love and support me.
I HAVE to let people see who I am
Not the walk, but stepping right into the dream
of the person I believe you made me to be
The artist, the writer, the singer, the dancer
who can’t stop her joy, can’t stop her expression
Wanting to smile and reach out in love
Wanting to melt away frozen stares and rejection
Wanting to soothe wounds with your balm
the person I dreamed of being since I was a child
the person everyone stomped on and made fun of
“There’s no place for you here, not in this world”
is all I heard
Turn a hard edge to the world
shut the door, turn away
don’t give, don’t love
it’ll all be wasted.
Don’t look in their eyes
don’t see them as people
That’s what you must do to survive.
Except THEIR survival is what’s been KILLING ME
Except their life of isolation and selfishness feeds them and starves me
Because I KNOW the well cannot be replenished
Because I have ALWAYS KNOWN the stagnation within me
The well cannot be filled
unless it is emptied
Your Spirit cannot flow free in me
If I do not share it!
Before I knew myself, my identity
I knew you Lord
I knew your love in my life
I knew no one could take you from me
And some tried in my mind
But you never left my heart
I tried to live by their rules
I can do it if I try
But it’s more work than it’s worth
To be alone, with things
At the end of the day
Never know if you touched one person
Never know if you loved one person
With God’s love
All he’s saying is try, if it doesn’t work
Shake the dust from your feet and move on.
It’s no big deal, go out simply
Ask them to consider their hearts, it’s their choice
It’s not up to you to force the seed into the ground
Sowing is so addictive, Lord.