Emmaus – 2006?

For all those times when you felt like someone’s there beside you

In your decision to stay or go

For all those times when you felt your heart was burning within you

Even while you’re out there on the road

 

He is there for you, and he knows what you can do

Though you can’t see him still he’s with you on the road

Though your eyes can’t see, still you know your heart believes

He will take you places that you’ve never known

 

Believe and know, when he holds his hand out to you

You’ll feel the water under your feet

Keep your eyes on him, for only he can show you

Who you truly can be

(Repeat chorus)

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The widow’s mite (December 2007)

This is all I have

I have nothing else to bring you

This is all I have

I have nothing left to give you

Take my heart, my soul, my body, my mind

Take all I ever was and all I wanted to be

Here’s my life to be a praise unto you

All I have if it gives you glory

All that I ask Lord

Is that you change me to be more like you

All that I ask Lord

Is that you make me to be more like you

There is nothing left here

But these tears and your Word

There is no whisper said

That will be left unheard

Your justice will reign

Lord you said you would stay

Please don’t leave me

(repeat first stanza)

Rosary

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2-?-05 Untitled

To speak out of the silence

To say the thing you know you have to live

Bringing the place to purpose

And knowing that is all you have to give

Just push yourself out of what has bound you

And the things that surround you

They fall away

To find your place in the circle

And know your life will live

What it was meant to say

 

Waking up one morning

And knowing you have slept

For far too long

But for someone to awaken

To find the courage within

Your silent song

In the end there really is no battle

Other than the one you fought

Inside your head 

And once the dust has settled 

Then you know your life will live

Where your song has led

 

Alleluia

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4-20-03 “More of you”

It is the song of my heart to worship you and praise your holy name

And yet I know you know how easily my will gets in the way

I try to find a way between giving up what I want and having you 

But all I ever need is more of you

 

It is the song of my heart to worship you and praise your holy name 

It’s like I had to learn just for myself how I could be led astray

And yet you come to me when I call you, you hear me, I know it’s true

That all I ever need is more of you

Jesus, all I ever need is more of you

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8-23-06

I long for the days where I woke up in God’s presence and all I knew was peace and he was transforming me.  That whether late, what I wore, who I spoke to was all in his hands.  I was dependent like a bird eating from his hand and I worshiped in reckless abandon. Is it all lost Lord, NO, he says no.  Last night as I fell asleep – Well going home from Annette’s I got a pang to worship but I went out and took wash down, got some lines about what the Eucharist does to us, and remembered that what I really always wanted was verses that breathe.  And there were some perfect images in there of Jesus giving us himself to nourish from but I lost them now.  Anyway I had wanted to pray but I lost it.  And I wanted to work on my essay but I was too tired.  I laid in bed and God came and reminded me – pricked my conscience – tuned my vision – and I can’t remember it all I just remember saying No, Lord.  He has been talking again saying amazing things – on the way home from Annette’s I was on an overpass and he said this is my playground.  I will put myself right here.  I couldn’t help but smile.

Nobody prays.  That is why we don’t see a revival.  Lord have I been too, sucked into DOING. Even if I had thought that is where you want me.  

There is no sense of communion with the Lord’s spirit or desire for meeting him – Excitement in “come let us go up” where is it.

I will rend the heavens and the earth

Even so, Come, Lord

I will put my spirit in their hearts

Even so, Come, Lord

I will set my fire from within

that they may all know me

Even so, Come, Lord

Even so, Come, Lord

 

Maybe I should not even be going to seminary.  Maybe I should just be where I am – writing.  If I focused as much energy on just writing as I did on the call – 

I need to just pull back and find the silence.  Encapsulate the place in me where I learned to meet him.  Find a way to make the words I write taste like his companionship to whet their appetites.

It was this

Broken glass shattered on the floor

Pick my life up Lord

The edges cut, blood drips 

to stain the colorless facets

Can you make something of this 

Can you heal it.

 

We come for love, we come for blood

It doesn’t matter

The formalism masks our rage

It doesn’t matter

Our scapegoat we kill, eat his flesh

To get the eternity in our bodies

To benefit from the life soul in his blood

 

Not a bone was broken

Yet I hear them cracking

in the breaking of the Host

“We fear that violence may have been committed to the subject”

I want to come to the altar

Face smeared in blood, clothes ragged and torn

I am a murderer, my sin the weapon

to stab my Lamb, multiple wounds

I am a ragamuffin, homeless, mindless

Wanting raw flesh and to drink warm blood

to slake the hunger of a carnal soul

But that’s not how we come Lord

 

to come for the feast without the sacrifice

still person, still mortal, no sense of you

we murder you again when we ingest these elements without emptying ourselves first.

 

Weak and sick and many sleep

Our flesh and your spirit food collide within us

 

If you poured yourself out for our sakes how much more should we

Like oil and water, like one matter takes up space where you should be

Priorities mock, programs sparkle and tease, but there your love lies dying

We don’t know how to repent

We don’t know how to make your joy our strength

We’ve forgotten what your voice sounds like

And the smell of your clothes a dim memory from childhood

Lord I can’t make it that they will want to gather themselves to you

And for all the dreams and visions your gave me sometimes I feel 

they will never come true

Renewal- what is it – who cares – why does it matter?

Does anyone care if we have a way to grab hold of the mystery?

And that it is not something floating before our eyes but it is what we can swallow?

He is our host, we are parasites, he is the body, we are cleaved

He does not belong to us.  We belong to him otherwise we have no life.

Our branches weak and sick because we don’t know how to graft onto him for eternal life.

I take the Host – it dissolves – manna to my spirit.  No physical food feeds.  I take it on faith that it is you.  I take it on faith I have ingested you.  My spirit is nourished by your flesh, your spirit resides there.  Your blood cleanses my soul.  I am covered and protected.  Nothing can touch me now.

“the body and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ strengthen you and keep you in his peace”

Yes we are literal interpreters when it comes to cannibalism

Because our Lamb was slaughtered

And as the priests we have the right

To partake of the choicest parts of the flesh

He is the sacrifice that survived

and by this shall we not also conquer death?

What do you want to do? Take a shot in the dark hope you breathe in the Holy Spirit transmit hand to hand through the heart, out the mouth but sounded like an uncertain trumpet 

Are you all spirit?  No.  Would you want your flesh to be fed with his perfect flesh?  Why does he die and rise, in vain that you refuse to come to the table?  You say you have faith to raise the dead but not enough that he comes and offers you his very body and blood for you again and you scorn it?

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8-3-06

What is walking in the Spirit?

Repentance with revelation and personal drawing out of the rhema Wod

Planting into the Body

Chain – Mentors above, disciples below

Spiritual signposts within the inner life!

Joy! Conviction at point of sin.  Humility. Single focus.

Exploded personal devotion and a heart to evangelize.

Self-actualization in laying all down at the foot of the cross, which is glory, I am convinced.

It’s either a list of “don’t-do’s” and words that can’t pierce the heart OR

It is being drawn ever closer to the perfect one, creator, redeemer, sustainer, and thus into ourselves as we were meant to be – walking in His kingdom on earth.

Walking in peace, healing, and all the fruits.

That is VICTORY.

No fear, no sense of expectation – no sense of societal bounds – burning to serve, and serving INTENSIFIES the fire – no need for mitigation.

If we have died for an in and with him we will arise a new creation – but nobody knows how to die and stay dead

Lord the closer I am to you I pray the more dead I am to the world.  That this world continues to fall away.  We are not enslaved to the world thru emotions or the body – Descartes was wrong. We are enslaved to the world in fearing our childlike selves as God created us.

We are incarnated in and by him, his flesh holds the key to breaking our bondage.  It is Fear and Pride and inability to leap those boundaries that makes us be in death

when the hope of our glory is in LEAPING over the threshold DARING death to chase us but it is JESUS who catches us at the doorway of death.

We die to OURSELVES in this carnal life that we may learn to live as we will for eternity

How many have tasted eternity?

What keeps us from tasting it?  Is it always present – Yes  Do we know how   NO most do not

Where is it.  In the Sacraments, in Repentance, in communion/connection with God

Eternity is an acquired taste!

The Holy Spirit.  Our calling card of what is to come – the overwhelming Presence at the banquet will be Jesus himself but he resides in us in his Spirit.

And the Spirit is NOT a warm fuzzy, it is NOT the sense of communal worship.  It is NOT feeling good. It is NOT being lazy and random in prayer – it is NOT being spiritually suggestive going into a sort of mania.

It is an otherworldly peace that cannot coexist with the impulses of man’s natural sinful nature.  It can only come when invited.  I have seen and heard and felt all these things that purport to be manifestations – but so many are just playing at paste – and the pearl is on the floor undiscovered.

(Mary Daly was so wrong, before the Butterfly there was the Dove)

I have said this before but when we try to put the Spirit in any box – it moves – it is not there.  The box could be a form of worship or a sacrament but we cannot legislate its movement.  We can invite – we cannot command.

Does it matter if the hearts are cleansed and people truly seek its presence – yes 

Does it matter the songs or words – no – there is no incantation – sometimes there are no words.

For an invisible Father God and a sacrificial Son who negates himself in all he does for the Father’s own glory, the Messenger is one who goes where he/she wills 

and is invited in the devastated heart.

More than hearing the heartbeat of heaven

Lord, oh to smell your fragrance again, your Spirit descending

To know that you are here in the emptied out bowls of our prayers and the incense of our hearts and lives.

I remember hard to smell your fragrance in my spirit.  And where I smelled it – in the Kierch.  Generations of faithful broken before you, spiritual pioneers paved our way.  You do not have a tabernacle of dead stones only us as living stones but if I believed to know where you reside Lord, even your holy place — would it be there, reflected in the precious death of your servants.

Loving to steal into the sanctuary at dusk alone to hear your voice in complete silence, catch the loving tone of your comfort to me – “This is my place, this is where I abide, I delight in you, you are here for a reason.  And nothing you have been through will fall to the ground.”  Your presence Lord, the joy of your courts and truly anymore I just don’t want to go home.  I want to stay in the tabernacle before the altar in the memories of meeting you there 

Lord meeting you there so much more powerfully than anywhere else, taking the Sacrament with weak knees knowing I have nothing I can offer but my life and my praise

Lord it hardly seems a sacrifice now that I have tasted your glory and know your character.

Every night I cry when I pray anymore, the realization rock solid KNOWING I have come home straight home to the arms of my loving Saviour where I belong and Lord I am no longer ashamed to say before me I see your face Your eyes of fire and compassion smiling into mine.  In you there will always be a deeper way more richness more joy more love and the world continues to fade away. MY LIFE’S DREAM is only to share this passion this fire with others to see and know they are redeemed from the pit and walking dead men to the world but BURNING in you.  I turn away from the world Lord because I know There Is None Like You.

Lord you know if you call me

to bear the meal and the bath

Right now I cannot contain it

Right now I don’t feel worthy

But it’s not a burden I lay it at your feet

 

Bring back the knowledge of your yoke of light to me

that I may be consumed by you as you are my consuming fire

 

Lord if you could teach me to teach them to break past the words to the living breath and blood behind them 

You are speaking there, do not be dissuaded by the veil

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7-22-06

Vision – of Council meeting

in the center of the tables in the main SS room – a huge pyramid of stuff. Papers and rocks and spare parts all jumbled together – we are sitting at council trying to see around the junk – to see each other and talk around the junk.  Some don’t care if they can be seen around it.

Each piece has significance to someone – each piece of paper & metal & etc. is a piece of history to someone – but it obscures our vision of each other – 

God says, Sort it out.  No one but Pastor has the courage or authority to sort it out and it’s not digging in the beginning at the top of the pyramid – it’s taking that one piece of paper off the top of the pyramid and looking at it.  

It’s not an issue of throwing away – it’s an issue of sorting it out.

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Sometime between 7-12 and 7-19-06

This post intentionally left blank till I check with someone.

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7-11-06

St. Peter has become my home & family in a way Trinity never did – maybe because as an adult I can participate fully and I see what is going on – but I have made a way to somehow belong there and although the little community of believers I trust and confide in is a little ragamuffin it is my support system.

I don’t want to leave.  It’s not about getting entangled in the network it’s about something is going to break. Big.

It’s in the silence the break will occur.

The contemporary worship speaks of what we can do for God to the nth degree (a la dominionism) when in fact we can do nothing.

Times that I sneak into the sanctuary alone, in the dark to sing and just cry.  The place has become Holiness Central.  God has spoken – yelled – so many words into me there.  So many things have been revealed.  I can’t list them all. Layers of revelation and all building on each other.  Not about the charismatic ride but my time with him and in corporate worship becoming one. (Take what you have learned in the throne room out into the street)  The party is here and now. And not on some nebulous spirit level.  It’s not in thinking about seminary or dreaming of being a pastor either.  It is about my life in and love for that stupid church.  It has become my family and my home despite all this.  I KNOW without any doubt that God rests there.  I don’t need a deep emotional moment with him backed by authentic music.  He is there.  He is always in that sanctuary, the same one I meet in my prayers.

And I do just want to jump up and tell people, God is here.  Get serious.  Cleanse your hearts.  Prepare to receive.  Don’t take this for granted. I say to myself, What do we have to do to make him real to other people – the answer is always the same – we need to make ourselves real to him.

I have waited for you so long O Lord

But I have been in the way

Thinking I’m the only one you speak to

Thinking I know what you’re going to say

All you want is to see me lose control

All you want is for me to let go of

The upper hand

And stop and wait and listen to you

So you can show me just what you can do.

I open my mind to your mercy Lord

And in the darkness I see

Your light, your whirlwind opening

the darkness, there you break free

My knowing has been in the way of your control

I surrender my mind to you Lord, I let go

 

And God spoke out of the whirlwind and said,

Open my hands to your will

And my heart to rest in your ways

It’s you Lord, it’s you the cleansing flow

I feel your waves buoy me up now

Rocking with your tempo, warm in the touch

Of your cleansing love, forget myself

Been so long since I forgot myself in you

As if I were expected to construct this vessel.

But I know what chalice I am, lifted up

I see who I will be, what you want me to be

It’s not me doing the sacraments it’s what you will do through me

By faith Lord, you know I have nothing else to give.

Lord I want to leave it all behind and begin the climb

But you say Prepare yourself, take the equipment, provisions, a friend

You say Train your body and mind

It’s not as easy as you think

and I realize I can’t do this alone.

I have to let people love and support me.

I HAVE to let people see who I am

Not the walk, but stepping right into the dream

of the person I believe you made me to be

The artist, the writer, the singer, the dancer

who can’t stop her joy, can’t stop her expression

Wanting to smile and reach out in love

Wanting to melt away frozen stares and rejection

Wanting to soothe wounds with your balm

the person I dreamed of being since I was a child

the person everyone stomped on and made fun of

“There’s no place for you here, not in this world”

is all I heard

Turn a hard edge to the world

shut the door, turn away

don’t give, don’t love

it’ll all be wasted.

Don’t look in their eyes

don’t see them as people

That’s what you must do to survive.

Except THEIR survival is what’s been KILLING ME

Except their life of isolation and selfishness feeds them and starves me

Because I KNOW the well cannot be replenished

Because I have ALWAYS KNOWN the stagnation within me

The well cannot be filled

unless it is emptied

Your Spirit cannot flow free in me

If I do not share it!

Before I knew myself, my identity

I knew you Lord

I knew your love in my life

I knew no one could take you from me

And some tried in my mind

But you never left my heart

I tried to live by their rules

I can do it if I try

But it’s more work than it’s worth

To be alone, with things

At the end of the day

Never know if you touched one person

Never know if you loved one person

With God’s love

All he’s saying is try, if it doesn’t work

Shake the dust from your feet and move on.

It’s no big deal, go out simply

Ask them to consider their hearts, it’s their choice

It’s not up to you to force the seed into the ground

Sowing is so addictive, Lord.

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4-2-06

Thurs or Fri night I was worshiping and I saw the Spirit hover like a wisp over the cong. Again. (above the sanctuary waiting to descend) Then I saw myself standing where I stood to give the meditation and in front of me was a cross in the air (two parallelograms overlapped to make a plus sign) but it was like a slice out of time or made out of panels of slipping into another dimension – like see through mirrors – thin and yet thick at once.  And I got the deep impression of the 4 dimensions historically politically geographically strategically where St. Peter’s is placed for revival

And also the 4 lines of the cross were Jesus’ sacrifice so that we can be one with the Father (I can’t remember it all) and it was like we were all to step into the cross through it as if to a new dimension   and I kept saying over and over Lord your cross is the gateway – to life –

the reading in church today was John 12 and Pastor preached on this ending with saying that death is a door to life

there is a break in the middle life – death – life and he ended it by saying Living by the cross is life   Living to the world is death

I feel as if I am truly walking in a different dimension of faith since I went to talk to him last Monday. I feel like I am finally living out the best part of who I am.

 

The kingdom of this world

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