Undated, after Dickinson

Theology

 

Safe in their alabaster chambers

Safe in their whitewashed sepulchres

Speak the lullaby makers of their resurrections

Of Godnesses but to themselves have shewn

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3-20-92

You and me – a poem that never happened

I continue

to have been losing

to wasting dust

to brown leaves

to this pen

and lined paper

hear my own voice

theorizing:  “

 

we all desire

to create our own

mythology (you    and    me)

 

and we are thunder

we are light

we are water,      so

I am

 

still lost, still

broken, still silent

and dumb, speaking

of no dust, powerless

 

but for my desire

for my own

brown leaves

(this page)

in dust

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12-27-06

I feel cold inside tonight

and I don’t want to write

because I don’t know who I am writing to anymore

I don’t feel that the Spirit is with me

and my prayer life has been so lost

for so long that I no longer know

how to feed myself

But I know I’ve lost lines this week

in the same way of knowing

I’ve been living in a dream world

for a long time

And in coming finally to reality

finding I might be better or worse

but in the end not that different

and truly the only thing holding me back is me.

Since August my prayer life has been

mostly deep breaths mingled with sobs

to say I am at a loss for words

smoothes the edges of the experience.

Finally unmoored, knowing

I can count on no one but myself and God

and I don’t know if I can count on myself

and I found that I have limited God

For me it doesn’t matter

the lives I never lived

 or the love I never had

because for who I am I’ve done ok.

I know I can weather most anything

Except this last whoosh of introspection

The Pandora’s box in me

the lid blew off, I was forced to see

my life, my love as a continuum

That within a certain paradigm

Every choice and chance made sense

And it does all relate to why I want to serve

Yes I have shocked myself in the process

But I have learned to laugh at it too

Because my cosmology in the end

makes, still makes more sense than the world

The grief of being alone and different

I’ve posited myself there for so long

It never occured to me to pass

As normal, but maybe I could be convinced

To lose this last yoke of nonconformity

And consider success within the lines

Even if only for the sake of translating

A Gospel to the world weary on the other side

But my investment, my judgments, my intimacy fall

When the reason for the structure is revealed

I haven’t loved and trusted myself

enough to make plans

I haven’t cared enough to make a way

outside of my children

But if I care about them I won’t live

as the sacrificial walking dead

I will climb out of this hole

and face the sun

no matter how much I think I don’t deserve its warmth.

In the end it’s no bigger

It’s just an epiphenomena

of me as myself wanting to give myself away

forget myself, be replaced by a more acceptable identity

No one’s told me I’m unacceptable

for at least 25 years.

If I can learn to love and accept myself

even in these mistakes

and learn from them to try again

It’s not even about making it

It’s about finding a place to call home.

My deep hope was in representing the marginalized

and giving my life to holding the door open

to them for grace in a world and even

a Church where forgiveness is hard to find

If I could save one from the fire

of self-hate, loss, alienation, loneliness

that I put myself through for a contrived Christianity

Then it indeed would all be worth it

Because in all truth if grace is what it speaks of

Who are any of us to limit it

We all come fallen, all are redeemed

and frankly we should be on the streets proclaiming it

So if my urgency to call them out who I know and love

From the byways to come and find self-acceptance

Is no more than ambitious lay service

Then let it be so and I will serve

But frankly I see too many cracks

Between theologies and definitions and programs

And our children are falling and dying in the cracks

Someone has to reach out to them

Then I’ll find myself free to be actualized

free to explore and create and love

and I’ll forget this ever happened

and I’ll forget that I thought God had a place to raise up St. Peter’s

and I’ll forget that I thought there would be a renewal

and I’ll live like just another misunderstanding

good natured layperson.

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6-1- and 2 – 05

Well looking like I am coming to the end of this journal page wise and in my life chapter wise too.  The Strom conference is next Thursday but God told me after I fasted for it that that wasn’t the focus, St. Peter’s is the focus.  I finally went to talk to Pastor today, gave him the 2 letters, the page from my journal on Matthew 20:11 and Proverbs 4:12, an Others May, You Cannot tract and the PC & D cd.  We had good but short convo prayer.  I took off to stay home with Liz with a cold and wound up finally finding the courage to talk to him.

1. Prayer/Bible study groups a definite possibility – Pastor will talk to Annette and possibly spiritual formation group people.

2. Contemporary worship will start in October but Pastor likes the idea of the sneak peek and I gave him a copy of my spreadsheet with the liturgy pieces mapped out, he will look into other liturgies.

3. Told him a little about my walk of late and reinforced God wants me at St. Peter’s.

We are still leaving some stuff up in the air for contemporary worship, like will it be every other Saturday at first, exact time, etc. and I hope we do it every week in October because I already picked out songs for the first 2 weeks in October. (lol)

I told Pastor that I have a lot of hopes and dreams for the church and expect great things to happen even in the current situation and all – and not to sound overblown either or tooting my own horn but that we need prayer – I told him I was tired of praying for this church along – that the April newsletter article was confirmation for me – that I joined PP based on it.  And the final point being WE NEED TO PRAY – I think he got that point!  I wonder if he was blown over.  It felt so good to let my excitement and joy show that I really wasn’t paying attention to how he was reacting.  But when we went to pray he took my hand in both of his and patted it – hee hee – and prayed I don’t even know what – but he mentioned the Spirit TWICE.  The man knows the score.  Dude.  I can’t wait – for all this to come to pass – I just have my heart set on revival – Come Alive in 2005 – St. Peter’s !(chuckle) Oh and I told him God had really put it on my heart to approach him about contemporary worship and I wrote it in my journal – and then 2 days later Larry approached me out of the blue.  I was carrying the brochure around in my purse but just scared to say anything.  I told him I wasn’t going to let that happen again!  and he got it. understood that “coincidence” is such a part of the way the Spirit moves.  And he showed me this program for doing cell groups for ELCA “Imagine that” he said.  lol

6-2-05

As if everything has been unstopped

Read Jeremiah 6 to like 22 or so

In praying I saw a wetland, swamp bog – dying in the sun – full of plants under the surface – tangled – muddy scum on surface, fish could barely breathe.  I said Lord dig a trench, we need fresh water.  There was a fresh spring a hot spring coming from within the bog – slowly rising its water to the surface – level with the edge of the pond.  I said Lord all the pure fresh water and bog water will mix.

But the pond will eventually overflow its banks and spill out onto the ground.  Someone will see that the soil is no longer dry and will come and cultivate it.

Is this for St. Peter’s?  Who is/what is the hot spring?  Will we become an oasis in a dry place?  I forgot about all my old oasis visions – I used to call my time in the Lord my oasis.

Riverside – the pool boys song

Ezekiel 47

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Can’t find a way 11-12-07

Lord I know how

I know what to do 

but I can’t seem to find a way

to get to you

 

It used to be so easy

Just to find the way

to be with you away from everything

But now I go in circles

wondering how or why or when to pray

and are you listening?

 

I’ve been faithless, you remain faithful

I’ve been selfish, you extend your hand

I’ve been childish, I’ve been ungrateful

In this world I’m a grain of sand

 

Lord I thought I knew how

Thought I knew what to do

But I can’t seem to find a way

To find you

 

In a time that was simpler

I dreamed a dream in you

I didn’t know you would bid me to live

My heart’s out on my sleeve Lord

If what I speak melts one heart

Then help me forgive

Do they whisper

And yet smile at me

Do my eyes

Set me apart

I’ve felt lonesome

I’ve felt like a prophet

My one consolation

Lord, you see their hearts

 

Does what I say or do matter

Only to you

And to whom do I answer 

Only to you

Pierce my heart again Lord

Show me how I need you

Bring me back to the place where

It’s just me and you

 

Lord I don’t know how

I don’t know what to do

That’s when you reminded me

“I am always with you.”

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Gray 7-7-06

A leaving song.

I’ve been thinking about you

For a while you’ve been on my mind and heart

When we worshiped together

There’s a place there that no one can tear apart

I can understand if you must go

And I wish you well, I guess it’s better that way

But I wanted you to know

There was something that I have to say

(chorus)

It’s gonna be gray

It’s gonna be pale

Sort of quiet without you around

An extra space

An empty place

No one else can fill with your sound

It won’t be the same

If you’re not here

And I know that you have to move on

I just wanted to thank you

For putting a sound to my song

 

In the dreams that we dreamed 

In the lives that we lived

Love’s not meant to separate

And if songs go unwritten

and if laughter’s not shared

That’s no reason to wait

I don’t expect you to hesitate

And I wish you well, etc (to pre chorus and chorus)

Bridge

I believed I could see you

For who you are and who you’re gonna be

You strengthened my faith

and I trust you

You saw something in me

I don’t let people see 

(chorus)

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Handed Our Own Lives 9-24-07

Written the day Linda told me of her diagnosis

We all would like to be

Part of an epic of grand proportion

What would it mean to be

Handed our own lives out of your mercy

 

We are born children of a fallen humanity

Out of depravity, circumstance and hardship

To labor under the heat of the noontime sun

And the burden of our sin

And what does it bring to us but vanity

series of comparisons of the same denarii

We want to measure out your grace

In a way we can contain

But in your love that’s all washed away 

(chorus)

We spend our time rushing towards our own Jerusalems

As if it were money spent

To your private trust Lord

As if we could prepare a place for ourselves

By obedience alone

And have we forgotten to live in community

While the least of these

Stands alone before us

Can we spend our love as recklessly 

As the one who so unselfishly

Gave his life to find us free

(repeat chorus)

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Wish You Were Here 9-13-04

Written following an Anniversary Sunday at the Kierch

We’re all gathered here

There’s a hush, there’s a stillness

As we sense his grace about to fall

Surrendering all we are

 

This oasis for the soul

We rest in him

Stretching out our hearts, how he fits within

I’m reminded again how I wish you were here

 

To share this moment, this intimacy

Experiencing his presence means so much to me

But how much more to see you take

Your broken heart and lay it before the Lord

 

So I’ll keep praying for you

Wait on the Lord for you

Stay a light to you

Till you rekindle your own

And you find him again, to whom you belong

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Because of your mercy 3-4-06

Because of your mercy O God

Because of your glory O Lord

Because of what you have done for us

We come and bow before your throne

Your mercies are everlasting Lord

They’re new every morning O God

For you alone are slow to wrath

And you abound in steadfast love 

 

(Use as descant to “Let Everything that Has Breath)

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Through Your Eyes 4-25-06

It’s all very simple

this becoming perfect

finding completion

There’s nothing I can do

There are no words to say

No thoughts or feelings to have or need

It’s only about

what you can do in me

 

I just want to see it through your eyes

to see the world as you see it

Then I would know you live in me

And I live in you

(2nd verse, 1-9-08)

Wouldn’t have believed it

If it hadn’t happened to me

Thought I was becoming

But that was nothing you wanted for me

There were no words to say

No thoughts or feelings to have or need

I had to get out of the way

For you to live in me

(repeat chorus)

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