Let’s face it. I don’t want to journal every day or pay or put the piano out again because I’d rather be stuck. And not let it flow through me. And not get over it and move on. If I had someone to talk to to know others do this, get this. I want to be with people who really love Jesus and want to be with him – and be like him – like I do. My experience has shown me I can’t expect that. Yet I shouldn’t judge and I know I am not perfect. In any case St. Peter’s is the only place I really belong. It is my home and my family is there. So if it took me six or seven years to finally spit that out, ok. I will never be able to explain or understand what being in that nave alone with Jesus in the Host means for me. And if I write songs and poems and paint and it all goes seemingly nowhere. Maybe none of it was intended for man anyway. Maybe it all belongs to Christ first and will never see the light of day or the praise of man. And that is just one thing I need to learn to put down. And God will move with and in all these things as he sees fit. But it’s not for me to act and insert myself into. I think I learned that. I need to really turn back to doing what I do directly for the Lord first and not the praise of men. And stop seeking confirmation in humans.
For all the times I appropriated the Lord for myself. OK so knowing I’m right and wanting to share it isn’t the same as God leading me to share. It’s just me wanting to show people I’m right and use God as a thruway. I have to stop being so self righteous and thinking I’m better than everyone in my faith walk. God please send me someone that I can really connect to in knowing what your will looks and acts like in our lives. Help me to stop using the old days as a sanctuary and move on. Help me to know you put me here for a reason and if I don’t pray there’s nothing to be done to change the situation. I need to let go of wanting it to produce something. Wanting an outcome – a thing to show off at the end. Perhaps it will be nothing but how God changed me to be more like him. Which is better than anything. I still don’t understand how that feeling of zappy excitement and connectivity works in the middle of all this. I want to be in the house of the Lord more, doing his work and surrounded by people who want nothing more than to serve him. People who are the church, not church is something that we do. In the end I have to turn and face God for who I knew him to be in the first place which will/may put me in a place of reacquaintance when I should not have fallen away to start with.